Breaking up is hard to do! Whether you are the person being broken up with or doing the breaking up yourself, separating from someone who has been a part of your life for some time is never easy. Let me get VERY real and honest with y’all for a second! Two and a half years ago I sat on this very same bench and begged a man that I was in love with not to leave me. I was sappy, pathetic, and the type of woman I despise. You know what I mean, the type of woman who is too weak to stick up for herself or know her worth! How could this have happened to me? When did I become THAT woman? I was raised by a strong woman who taught me to know better. As a TV producer I felt successful in my own right. I knew other men wanted me. So how did I become so desperate for one man’s love? The truth is it happens to the best of us. You can be the most beautiful, smart, successful, confident, and hilarious woman in the world and still find yourself in this situation. As women we tend to give everything to our relationships and then are heartbroken when it doesn’t work out!
If there was ever a blog post that I felt qualified to write, it’s this one! 🤣 Trust me when I tell you that your girl has been through it all! Let me be clear that while I am going to be completely open and honest with you all about my experiences and what has helped me move on from heartbreak, my goal here isn’t to bash anyone. Hey, I’m not completely innocent either! I’ve made mistakes, done things I’m not proud of when I was younger, been clingy, and loved well past a relationships expiration date! However, my hope is that by giving y’all the full picture of my story, I can help someone going through the same thing! However, for the sake of everyone’s privacy I won’t be using any names. To double ensure their privacy I am mixing up the time line of events and some of the examples below may be from the same men! For reference, I dated two men very seriously for a very long time and then of course there are men that I casually dated or went on dates with in between where nothing serious ever came from it! As Bethenny Frankel would say I’m going to “MENTION IT ALL!” 😂😂😂 Finally, before we dig in I would like to mention that I do genuinely believe from the bottom of my heart that all these men are good human beings who just ended up making some bad decisions. Some of them were very young when they made these mistakes and some of them have since changed for the better. And while today you’re only hearing about the bad things they did, they have also done a lot of good in this world!
Ok so.. let’s talk about the ex, baby! 🎵Ohhh where do I begin…
Well, we have the guy that I casually dated that kept pressuring me to have sex with him. I know what you’re thinking! That’s on all of their minds right?! Well, maybe but this was different. I later found out after we stopped seeing each other that this guy wanted to have sex so badly because he wanted to have a baby!!!! Aren’t men supposed to be the one’s scared of getting tricked into pregnancy? 😆 FYI, I feel like I should note for all my younger gals out there reading this that a guy should never ever be pressuring you to have sex with him! Do most men want to have sex with you? Of course, y’all are gorgeous, beautiful beings! But should they be pressuring you? No! If they do that should be noted as a BIG, red flag!
There was the ex I met when we were both very young and got along great with for years. We literally didn’t fight for the first few years of our relationship! It wasn’t until I got a little older and probably wiser that I decided I didn’t always like the way he spoke to me. As soon as I spoke up for myself, our relationship completely changed! Girls, I know y’all know what I’m talking about! We’ve all been in that relationship where the moment we find our voice our controlling partners have a BIG problem with it! That’s not to say all men are like that! There are plenty of men out there who truly listen to their partners, find a way to work through things, and do better! We salute those men! But this wasn’t the case with this ex!
There’s the ex that mentioned one too many times that I looked like I was gaining too much weight! 👊🏼😠
There’s the ex that I lived with and that cheated on me the last few months of our long term relationship and even had that girl in MY bed! This girl eventually became his new girlfriend and even though I was very kind they were awful to me. It doesn’t seem so bad but I had been with this man for so long that I had adjusted my career to fit his needs, gave up on some of my bigger dreams, and helped him raise his child who I love and adore! Letting go of some of my bigger dreams was the biggest relationship mistake I ever made. If you take only one piece of advice from this blog post I hope it’s to never give up on your dreams and make sure you always do what makes you happy! That’s not to say you shouldn’t compromise for someone you love that is committed to you but this man never compromised. He was a taker, I was a giver.
There’s the ex that when we broke up we had agreed to be civil and friendly with each other and then he went around town completely bashing me. I always wondered why people were looking at me like I was crazy!! 🤪🤣
There’s the ex who was physically abusive two to three times, throwing me against the wall and threatening to suffocate me. At the time I didn’t think much of it. I fought back until at one point he told me that if I didn’t stop fighting back he would suffocate me. I stopped and he let me go. I never feared him but I did tell my mom that if I ended up dead one day it was from him. I know that may sound crazy to have gone through that and not have any fear but I just didn’t. Looking back there were signs that I should have left him long before any of that even happened. Now that I’m older I realize that so many women go through something similar with a not so happy ending. I should have taken it more seriously. Also, just to be clear I never told my mom about the physical abuse until years later! She definitely would not have stood for that!
There’s the ex that would never commit! I know y’all know about this one! The guy that makes all the girls say “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” 😂 The guy that tells you he’ll never get married or have children. The one we all date anyway thinking that eventually they’ll change for us. 🤣 The truth is when someone tells us who they are, we should always believe them! Although, I will say that I’ve had several ex’s that swore up and down they would never get married and every single one of them at some point in our relationship changed their minds. Soooo..maybe SOME of them change! 😆
There’s the ex that wanted to marry me. I vividly remember going to my mom and telling her that I didn’t love him anymore and that I wanted to break up with him. I remember like it was yesterday my mom telling me “well you better do it soon because he just showed me the ring he’s going to propose to you with!” I broke up with him shortly after and am sooooo thankful that I didn’t end up with someone I didn’t love!
There’s the ex that belittles you so much that you eventually slowly start to lose your confidence and sense of self worth. So much so that you feel like you need to earn their love. In reality, these guys are just insecure and know that you can do better. That’s right, we’re on to you boys!
And then there’s the ex who is completely wonderful! The one who is a good man, the one who treated you good, and just fell out of love with you. Sometimes two very good people just don’t work out. Those are the most common and the hardest because you want so badly to find a reason to hate them but you can’t.
As you can see I’ve been through it all! I’ve been on both sides of a breakup and either way it’s never easy! Today, December 11th, is actually the biggest breakup day of the year! So in honor of today being the most popular day to break up I thought I’d finally share some of my tips to getting over a breakup in no time just in case any of y’all are going through some heartbreak now! Here’s my top tips that have helped me in the past:
Know You’re Worth
I know it sounds cliche but the older I get the more I realize that it’s true! You get what you put out into this world and people only treat you as good as you treat yourself! I remember after a certain ex and I broke up I was so angry that he had cheated and treated me so badly after all I had done for him. One day I woke up and realized that no matter what he did to me I was partially responsible because I ALLOWED it to happen! Now that doesn’t excuse his behavior at all but there were signs leading up to his cheating that he wasn’t right for me and I ignored them. I’ll tell you this, at that moment, I decided that I would never put up with a man treating me that bad again. Since then it has never ever happened again! Not once!!
Take Some Time To Yourself
I’m the type of person who likes to process the break up by myself before I tell other people about it. I’ve just always been this way and I know everyone is different but it helps me to get out all the tears and think everything through before I talk to anyone about it. It might also be because I have to be in a good headspace before I tell my two ex-marine older brothers. Those guys are just ready to kill any ex before they even know why we broke up! 🤣 Haha! However, in my experience taking a few days to yourself to process your emotions never hurts. While taking time to yourself allow yourself to feel every emotion and do things that bring you joy: watch movies, do yoga, meditate, whatever it is that is good for your mind, body, and soul.
Cut Off Contact
This is so important but probably the hardest rule to follow! Trust me, I have failed at this many times in the past! Even when I was the one who wanted the break up! In order to truly get over someone you have to cut off all contact and give yourself time to move on. The more you see someone the harder it is to get over them because you give yourself a false hope. Take my girlfriend, Sarah, for example! It doesn’t matter how in love Sarah is with a man, when it’s time to break up she cuts off all contact and blocks her ex’s on her phone and all social media platforms. She doesn’t allow for them to contact her in any way and let me tell you, I have never seen a woman move on from men faster than my girl Sarah!
Focus on Self Improvement
After a breakup you have two options: sit in sadness and do nothing to improve your life or work on yourself and your goals. One is going to keep you feeling sad and the other is going to bring you joy. Find those things that you always wanted to do but didn’t have the time to work on and focus on that. Have you been wanting to get in the best shape of your life? Do it! Been waiting to start that new business? Do it! Or maybe you just want to spend more time with your family? Do it! After my last breakup I chose to get healthier than I’d ever been and focus on my career goals. Just make sure you choose things that you are passionate about and you won’t go wrong!
Focus on Gratitude
What we focus on expands! There is no doubt about that! The more positive we focus on the more positivity we’ll attract. Trust me, I get that when your heart is broken the hardest thing to do is to wake up and feel happy and grateful but it’s a must! Be thankful for anything: food in your stomach, a warm bed to sleep in, your best friend, your amazing job, your cute dog or cat, being alive! It can literally be anything just make sure to show gratitude every single day and you’ll notice over time your mood and spirit will feel so much lighter and brighter!
Only you can make yourself happy
Understand that the only person that can make you happy is you! Everyday you have a choice to either be happy or not. I understand it’s not always easy to be happy especially when life gets tough but we should always strive to choose joy. No job, no amount of money, and especially no other person is going to make you happy. Only you can do that for yourself!
Get Out and Have Some Fun
Once you’re over the initial shock of the breakup and have given yourself a few days to mourn, the best thing to do is get out and enjoy life. Find things that naturally make you happy. Two things that scientifically always make us happy are exercising and laughing. So go on a hike with beautiful scenery, get out with the girls and have a few drinks, go to a comedy show, or anything else that you find fun. Just get up, get dressed, and get out! If nothing else it’ll take your mind off the breakup for a few hours.
Ignorance is bliss when it comes to breakups! Trust me when I say stop stalking, it’s never good to know what is going on in your ex’s life. Think about it, unless they’re posting on social media that they’re at home crying over losing you is anything you find out going to make you feel better? What if they’re dating someone new, what if they’re out with the guys having a good time and not looking sad at all, what if they go on vacation to the one spot you’ve always wanted to go to? None of that is going to make you feel good. Even if you were the one doing the dumping your ego will still make you feel a little twinge of jealousy. Stay away from the stalking!
Get in Touch with Your Spiritual Side
Whether you are very religious or just spiritual this has been the tip that always helps me the most when getting over a breakup. Having faith in something bigger than you whether it’s God, the Universe, or just Mother Nature will take a lot of pressure off of you having to have everything figured out. It’s ok to not have all the answers and it’s ok to believe that a higher power is protecting you and bringing you something even better than you could have imagined. So pray, ask, believe in better, or anything else that will give you hope for better days.
Be Honest with Yourself
Let’s be brutally honest for a second. There’s always exceptions but for the most part your ex is probably a decent human being. It’s ok to admit that. Even after everything I’ve told you about my ex’s I still think of them as good people. Sometimes it’s easier for us to come up with reasons on why they are a horrible person to make us feel better about the breakup but it’s better not to hold on to any more anger than you need to. Now on the flip side of that sometimes we put our ex’s up on a pedestal and if we’re being honest they’re not THAT perfect. No one is! So if you’re stuck on feeling like they are the only person for you because of how great they were just know that over time you’ll see that maybe they weren’t that perfect for you and there’s someone else out there better suited for you! Doesn’t mean they are a bad person, just not the person for you!
Hope will hold you back! If a man tells you he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him! Men will move mountains for women they want to be with. Accept it and move on. Get rid of any hope of the two of you getting back together. Two things will happen when you do this! One, you will be able to move on faster because you will have the mindset that it’s your only option. Two, if that man you loved is ever going to come crawling back to you he’s only going to do it when you’re moving on, not when you’re still obsessing over him.
Understand there will be good days and bad days
Understand that it takes time to get over a relationship and it’s only human to have days where you’re feeling great and days where you’re breaking down crying in the shower. Emotions just don’t disappear over night. It’s ok to feel them and then release them. You’re not heartless, you give your all in relationships, so while it might take time to really get over your ex eventually all that love you gave is going to come back to you ten fold.
I can not stress this enough. It’s never a good idea to air your dirty laundry to the world or talk bad about your ex to mutual friends because you’re hurt. Now confiding in YOUR friends is different but I mean you don’t want to confide in people who you are mutual friends with. No matter what they did to you, your emotions will eventually settle and you’ll be happy that you kept some things to yourself. Even if they bad mouth you, let them! The truth ALWAYS comes out but in the meantime stay classy. It’s not worth your time or attention!
Know that you will love again
Every time I’m going through a break up I always think I’ll never find anyone as good as my ex again and every single time I get a new boyfriend they’re always way better suited for me than my previous ex. There really is someone for everyone. Think of your breakup as a blessing in disguise to lead you to the person you’re meant to be with. We all have something great to offer the world. Just remember you are beautiful, you are worthy of love, and you will love again! One day you’ll look back on all your heartbreak and know it was 100% worth going through to get you to where you were meant to be!
Looking back on my breakups I can’t tell you how freaking thankful I am for them. I wouldn’t change a thing! All that pain was so worth it to get to where I’m at now both personally and professionally. I look back at that girl I was 2 1/2 years ago sitting on that bench and I feel bad for her. I wish she knew then that she deserved better, that there was someone literally just around the corner waiting to give her all the love she had ever hoped for. As I write this now I’m tearing up. Not because of what I went through with any of my ex’s, I don’t even give them a second thought but because of how genuinely happy I am now. I met a man that loves me exactly for who I am and let’s me be me. Someone who I can trust not only to be faithful but trust to feel safe and to express myself. Someone that treats me like a queen and not only tells me everyday how much he loves me but shows me. Someone who is my best friend! But it’s not just about having someone to love. It’s also about learning to love yourself as well! Yes, those breakups weren’t easy and yes they changed me but they changed me for the better. I got back to being me again, to loving myself again, to knowing my worth again, to doing the work on myself and knowing that I will never let anyone make me feel less than again, and for that I will forever be grateful for my ex’s. I can now look back at that day on the bench and see that in some ways it was the best day of my life! Everything that happened on that day led me to all the joy I now experience on a daily basis.
From the bottom of my heart I genuinely hope that this helps any of you going through heartbreak! I know it’s never easy but I hope you remember and believe that the love of your life is just around the corner. I hope you all recognize that you are worth the most amazing love and you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. I hope you all find the love that you desire and deserve! Lots of love to you all! 💕